i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
