Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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