We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
