I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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