It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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