she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
