remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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