I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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