In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
