No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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