Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
