i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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