I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My breasts were aching with rage.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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