I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just googled if crying burns calories
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
