I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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