Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
