im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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