We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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