I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
