I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
