mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
