don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
