If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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