My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
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There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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