This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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