not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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