I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
