Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
