i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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