hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
