The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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