where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
