Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
