The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
