remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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