Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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