Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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