before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
