You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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