I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
