New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
