Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Terrible idea I love it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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