I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
