where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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