This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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