Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
