My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
