hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
