i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
