I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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