My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
