My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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