I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
