So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
